The Heart Reader

I just finished this book by Terri Blackstock. I'm not 100% sure what to say about it. It's convicting. Very convicting. Makes me take a look at my own life and realize that I am so far from telling people about my savior, Jesus. How he is the only one I need. How he gives peace in the hardest of circumstances. How no matter what you've done, he offers forgiveness and mercy. How he is faithful even when I am not. How he has changed my life over the years, starting with the day I gave my life to him. Yes, it takes courage, which he will give. I don't have to have a script to go by. All I have to do is tell people what he's done. It's so hard, though. What do I have to offer? The woman who was in church from the time she was in her mother's womb? Was in church every time the doors opened? Who really didn't do anything "bad." I have no amazing  story of repentance. I wasn't into drugs, sex, or anything like that before I came to know Christ. I was disrespectful toward my parents, my brother. I watched and read things that I had no business watching and reading. I went to church because that's what we did, not because there was anything (at the time) to be gained from being there. It's entirely possible that I came to know Jesus at the age of 7. I don't know for sure because I can't tell that there was a change in my life at that time. I mean, at 7 how bad can a person be, right? If I didn't come to know Jesus at 7, then I certainly did at 15. All I know for sure is that God showed me my heart that night and it was burning. Felt like a literal burning. I was all jumbly and feeling knotty inside when I prayed that night and still was after I asked Jesus in. But, over the course of the next years, I knew I was different. It wasn't always a good different. I remember that I stopped wearing the Christian t-shirts. Why? Looking back, my guess is that Satan got right to work on me. I mean, I grew up in church and had worn the t-shirts through middle school and up to that point in high school. Now, all of a sudden, I *do* have a relationship with Jesus and I'm ashamed to admit that I was a fake before then, so I quit proclaiming him through my t-shirts. I grew some over the next couple of years and used a couple lines from a Christian song in my valedictorian speech and without shame. I let God lead me to the college I attended. I only applied to 2 of them and was accepted to both. The one I *really* wanted to attend did not offer me any scholarships, so I went to the other one. My roomie at UM told me one night that she thought I was pretty shallow in my faith until she needed prayer for a friend and I prayed with her. I'm not one to very openly display what I believe, but I have gotten bolder as the years have gone by. I felt God calling me to missions. At the time, I believed it to be career missions, but looking back, I think it was a calling to a mission trip. Specifically, the one where I met Clayton. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was going on that mission trip a year and a half beforehand. The day it was announced, I knew. The first penny had not been raised/paid toward it yet I knew. God didn't do anything incredible with me on that trip (at least as far as I know), but he did allow me to meet my husband and know not long after we met that he was the one for me.  Here we are, about to celebrate 13 years of marriage, after a year and a half long distance relationship, with only 6 weeks of that time being in each others' presence. Truly a God-thing. There are so many other things I could write about how I have seen God's hand, especially over the last 2.5 years. From job changes to motorcycle accidents to crazy, unbelievable happenings, he has been in the center of it all. Orchestrating. Not a thing comes to me that God hasn't allowed. How amazing to know that he is sovereign and Satan can't touch me without his permission. Especially when I look back over the last year. I *know* my God has something BIG in store for us. We may not see it this side of heaven, but he loves me and my family way more than I can imagine. Way more.